Mom Has Gone Home

My mom has gone home. She has “về nhà.” She went home on the wings of angels. 

The day before she left us, her granddaughter Lan wrote “[She] is remarkably beautiful and strong through all of this. Her skin is so soft, her hair is so gorgeous, and she doesn’t have the ‘ugly dying person’ face. She’s so perfectly adorable; you would have to be here to believe it. She’s a legend.”

I would just like to share my feelings of missing her, even before the angels came.

It’s often too late
When one changes annoyance to love
I miss your Tùy Con
And Con ăn gì Mẹ ăn cái ấy
I was not happy
You made me choose
It is so much easier
To be told what to do
Instead of having to think
And act on what you think is best
But now I want to decide for you
Whatever you don’t care to do on your own
I want to see you
Sit across from me
At our kitchenette table
Just you and me
You’d ask me
If bác Đệ is still alive
Or if bác Đệ has ever visited us here
Or if I knew bác Đệ at all
You’d ask me
If Ông Bà are still alive
And if they died here or in Vietnam
And tell me how you missed them
You’d ask me
How Ba died
Was he afraid of someone or something
And why did he die so young
I already miss
Our time together
As you sleep peacefully
On the bed next to mine
I already miss
Your stubborness and your grit
Your determination
Your resourcefulness
Your strength
You were a woman on the go
And I take after you
I am happy
To be a woman on the go
Just like you

At the end of my mom’s life, she wanted to go home to Ninh Tảo, the village where she was born. 

Tomorrow when I go home to Ninh Tảo 
By myself – she won’t be my guide
I will not be able to imagine accurately
Everything that’s in her memories
I will burst out crying
Regrets will fill me for I have lost
Something I’ve never had before
I have never held it
In the little hands of mine
I have never caressed it
As I caressed the doll with eyes that could open and close
I have never kissed it
As I kissed my mom’s cheeks
I have never stroked it
As I stroked my mom’s skinny hands
I have never lain next to it
As I lay next to my mom this morning
It was already dawn
And yet the house was so quiet
Time seemed to have stopped
So I could enjoy
This moment with just my mom and me
I thought of the previous days
When my mom was still with sparks in her eyes
She exclaimed The sun is so beautfiful
She asked me the questions
She asked each day
I miss those days
I want those days to come back
As a person coming back from an illness
And I wish
I could take my mom home to Ninh Tảo
How fabulous it would be
But I know
That will never happen
I miss so much
The Ninh Tảo I never have had

My dear friend Jane says strength lies in the deep suffering of our hearts. I hope to carry strength throughout my life, even though the price of strength is suffering.